


The Astonishingly Epic Adventures of Archangel

by brooksey



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: 5+1 Things, Comic, F/M, Humor, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Superheroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:33:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25073929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooksey/pseuds/brooksey
Summary: Or: Five Times Garrus Confiscated a Comic Book and One Time Shepard DidArchangel becomes the star of a popular comic book series.  The Normandy crew always finds a copy.  Hilarity ensues... for everyone but Garrus.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 7
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt on the ME Kinkmeme: https://masseffectkink.dreamwidth.org/9443.html?thread=45819875
> 
> Original prompt:  
> "Post-war, when things are starting to go back to normal, someone decides to make a superhero comic book series inspired by Archangel. The series ends up getting super popular, and of course the Normandy crew find out about it and think it's hilarious. I just want something lighthearted and silly, like Garrus being outraged at how dramatic and broody his comic book self is portrayed, or Shepard teasing him about some of the cheesy dialogue. Bonus points: The series gives Archangel a cliche sexy asari love interest, and romanced FemShep gets all grumpy."
> 
> Special thanks to the prompt writer for the fantastic title that I couldn't have come close to thinking of myself, and to my beta reader Kris for the feedback and especially the impressive command of euphemisms.

It was always going to be that kind of day.

Ever since they'd started publishing _The Adventures of Archangel_ , every first of every month was his own little personal slice of hell. The new issue would come out, inevitably _someone_ would get their hands on a copy, and then the torment would begin.

The Normandy did a lot of space travel, so the odds should have been in favor of them being in a black void a million miles from anywhere at least _once_ when the first of the month rolled around. But somehow — _somehow_ — they were always docked somewhere or other instead. 

Garrus had a sneaking suspicion that Shepard was doing it on purpose. Without fail, she assigned him a full day of tasks in the common areas on the first of every month. And coincidentally, the rest of the crew usually had little to do, leaving them free to harass him. But he'd asked her about it, and she always said _who, me? I would never_ , so he supposed he was just being paranoid.

Then again, she always said it with a strange look on her face. He had another sneaking suspicion that she might not be telling the truth on that one.

He got up early, thinking he'd have a little time to get things done in peace, but as soon as he left the main battery that idea went sideways — Shepard, Joker, and Kaidan were already sitting at a table in the mess. 

"Hey, look who it is!" Joker waved when he saw Garrus. And — no, it wasn't possible — was it?

"How did you get your hands on that?" Garrus asked in disbelief. There was a copy of the latest _Adventures of Archangel_ on the table in front of Kaidan. "It's way too early for anything to even be open!"

"Not if you go to Commander Shepard's favorite store on the Citadel," Kaidan noted. "They make an exception for the epic adventures of Archangel."

Garrus knew he shouldn't engage, but he couldn't help himself. "Did they change the name?"

"Nope." Kaidan held it up, and sure enough, 'EPIC!' was emblazoned in thick red letters on the cover, which depicted a turian wearing a visor and carrying a sniper rifle that looked comically large even to Garrus.

"Epic," he reiterated.

Joker pointed to something on the back cover. "Astonishing." 

"Astonishingly epic," Shepard supplied.

Garrus looked at her, wounded. She stood up and walked over to him, twining her arms around his neck. He returned the embrace reluctantly.

"For Spirits' sake, Shepard," he groused, "you're supposed to be on _my_ side."

"I am." She grinned and gave him a quick kiss. "For everything else." He sighed heavily, and that just made Shepard smile even wider.

"You know you love me," she teased.

"......yes."

"That's what I thought." Shepard walked off with a wave. "See you later. Hope you don't get too much grief today." Garrus suspected she might not be telling the truth about that either.

Meanwhile, Joker was leaning toward Kaidan as they started paging through the comic book, and that got him in motion. He walked to the table and grabbed the comic out of Kaidan's hand. Maddeningly, that only seemed to entertain the two men more.

Garrus stalked down the corridor and stuffed the comic book down the trash chute. "Better fire up the incinerator, EDI," he grumbled. "It's going to be that kind of day."


	2. Chapter 2

"I don't get it."

"What don't you get, Tali?" asked Joker. 

_Here we go again._ Garrus tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to focus his attention on the vent hood he was fixing and _not_ whatever Tali was about to say.

"This girlfriend of his, Dea D'vel?" She turned the comic book slightly askew. "She's so... top heavy. Wouldn't she just tip over?"

Liara leaned in to look. "Yes, she would. But I suppose physics don't apply to these sorts of things."

Garrus tried to take his frustration out on his work, but since he was currently using a screwdriver, it didn't help much. Meanwhile, Tali continued reading.

"How come Archangel is working in a lab? And why is everyone calling him Dalius?"

Joker explained: "It's his secret identity. He has to hide the fact that he's Archangel. Right, Garrus?" Garrus ground his teeth in response and prayed to the Spirits for patience.

"His secret identity is 'shy lab assistant guy'?" she said doubtfully. "If he's going to pick a secret identity, shouldn't he be some kind of rich playboy? Or, I don't know, just something... cooler?" 

Joker turned to Garrus with a smile that nearly split his face in two. He was obviously having the time of his life at Garrus's expense today. "She has a point, Archangel. Why didn't you pick something cooler?" Garrus glared at Joker and imagined several creative ways to murder the pilot in revenge.

Tali turned a few more pages, and apparently she didn't like what she saw, because she made a disgusted sound. "This is just ridiculous. Why does Dea act like she doesn't know that Dalius is actually Archangel? No one is that stupid. How could she not get that they're the same?"

"Ah, excuse me," Joker interjected, one finger in the air, "but they are clearly _not_ the same. As you can see, Archangel wears a _visor_." He underscored his point by holding a hand out to indicate Garrus — who was, in fact, wearing his visor.

Tali picked up the cue immediately. "Keelah!" she exclaimed, fanning herself. "Look — it's Archangel!" She dropped the comic on the counter and approached Garrus, turning on her omni-tool and putting on a girlish tone. "Can I take a picture with you?" 

"No." He closed his eyes and took a slow deep breath. Tali took the picture anyway. 

When she showed it to him, he saw that she was waving at the camera with her head tilted towards his shoulder. He himself looked stiff, and somehow supremely annoyed even with his eyes closed.

Tali sat down next to Joker and Liara and the three of them made a show of fawning over the photo. Garrus walked to the counter. Very deliberately, he picked up _Adventures of Archangel_. Then, emphasizing every movement, he rolled it up, stuck it in the waste disposer, and turned on the switch.

The machinery rattled and started grinding painfully, and he thought he smelled a whiff of smoke. Garrus knew it was just going to mean more work for him — now he was going to have to fix the disposer, too — but he didn't care. He put a hand on top of the rolled-up paper and shoved it down savagely. If nothing else, at least he could take it all out on _Archangel_.


	3. Chapter 3

Garrus's mood hadn't improved much by midday. As he walked back up to the crew deck with some spare parts, he held out hope the mess would be empty, but no such luck. It was still occupied — Kaidan was back, now joined by Vega at the stovetop cooking, and Cortez, who swiped something out of Vega's back pocket as he passed by. Garrus was both irked and unsurprised to see that it was a fresh _Adventures of Archangel_.

"Let's see what adventures Archangel is up to this time," Cortez said, amused.

Vega hollered over his shoulder. "Hey, Esteban, watch it. Don't spoil it for me, I still gotta read it. I want to see if they used my idea."

"You're giving them ideas now?" Garrus rolled his eyes at the three of them, not that it did any good whatsoever.

"Hell yeah," James crowed, dishing out several platefuls of scrambled eggs. "I told them they should do a thing where Archangel's mission goes all to shit, so he gets in his hypershuttle and flies around Omega so fast that he reverses the rotation and turns back time."

"What?" Garrus spluttered. "That could never happen! It doesn't work like that!"

Cortez was next. "Mine ended on a cliffhanger where Archangel revealed that he's been working for the Blue Suns _all along_." 

Garrus gave him a look that said _you too, Cortez_? "Come on. I would never do that."

And of course, Kaidan had submitted an idea, too. "I sent them one where Aria T'Loak is holding Dea D'vel captive and Archangel comes to rescue her, but he accidentally kills her when she gets caught in the crossfire."

Garrus blinked at him, stunned. "Why would you want to kill my girlfriend?"

No one answered him. All they did was look back at him, grinning. After a long pause, he belatedly realized what he'd just said. 

When the three of them saw it dawn on Garrus, they cracked up laughing. Garrus turned to leave, using his long reach to pick _Archangel_ up off the table as he went.

"I'll show myself out," he muttered. The comic was spaced out the nearest airlock, just for a little variety.


	4. Chapter 4

Garrus spent a good hour or two lying with his head under the replacement disposer doing repairs. It was blissfully quiet under there, so he saw no need to hurry up and finish. Still, eventually it was in perfect working order, and as tempting as it was, the turian in him wouldn't let him hide no matter how much he might want to.

He stood up and groaned under his breath. Liara was there having a cup of tea, which wasn't too bad, but just walking back in was Vega, and that was definitely going to be bad. For a second, he was pleased to see Shepard in the room, too — but only for a second. After that, he realized it was a mistake to hope that she, of all people, would leave him alone.

"Hey there, Archangel." Shepard was using that honeyed voice of hers that under normal circumstances would have sent Garrus's thoughts in a very specific direction — specifically, the direction of the main battery, with Shepard right behind him. Just now, though, it only irritated him.

"Mmrrm," was the only answer he was willing to give her.

Liara showed Shepard something in the _Adventures of Archangel_ they were sharing. Garrus took a moment to wonder where all the damn things kept coming from. She addressed Shepard when she spoke. "I have to say, I'd be worried if I were you." 

Vega grabbed a packet of dried fruit off the counter and tore it open. "Worried about what?"

Shepard turned in her seat to face him and Garrus, and it was clear that not only was she not going to leave him alone, she was enjoying the hell out of this. "Liara thinks that Archangel has an... _unhealthy_ relationship with his sniper rifle."

Vega hustled over to the table. He read whatever was on the page, then snorted a laugh. "Yeah. Seems like you're a little too attached to that thing," he shot over to Garrus. "Dea not doing it for you anymore?"

"Oh, shut up. I don't have a relationship, unhealthy or otherwise, with my rifle."

"I don't know," Vega offered with a smirk, "right here your sidekick got grabbed by some Blood Pack goons because you were too busy staying behind and _unloading your mag_." Always a subtle man, his eyebrow waggle was so exaggerated that even Garrus got the implication.

"Oh for the love of— that is _not_ what that means," Garrus protested.

"You sleep with it at night," Liara pointed out, "and you call it 'Rae'."

Garrus scoffed out loud. "That's a ridiculous name for a gun, I would never name my rifle 'Rae'. Her name is—" He clamped his mouth shut to stop himself talking just in time.

Shepard's face lit up like she had just won the jackpot. "What, Garrus? You were saying?"

"I wasn't saying anything," he muttered darkly. Shepard did a terrible job hiding her amusement — that is, if she'd even bothered trying to hide it at all. 

Liara went on, flipping forward through the pages. "Look — here you told Aria to watch herself, because whenever you have the rifle on your hip, you can't help but... 'go off way too easily'."

More snickering from Vega as he strolled past Garrus and clapped him on the shoulder. "Better watch out, Lola. Sounds like 'Rae' is going to give you a run for your money." Shepard nodded her agreement, acting far too solemn to really mean it.

"I hate all of you," Garrus announced, "and I am taking a break now." 

He swiped what felt like the hundredth copy of _Adventures of Archangel_ off the table. "If anyone needs me, too damn bad, because none of you are welcome to knock." He turned his back on them and started walking away.

"Headed to the main battery?" Shepard called out after him.

"Yes."

"Going to spend some time _calibrating the big gun_?"

"Yes." He froze in his tracks. "...no!"

He'd caught her meaning a second too late. Garrus hung his head in defeat, but he didn't turn around. Why bother? There was no need to actually _see_ them; he could imagine the looks on their faces perfectly well already. 

Gathering what little dignity he had left, he strode through the door. Shepard, Vega, and Liara at least showed enough mercy to wait until it swished closed before laughing, so it was _mostly_ easy to ignore. 

When he had successfully blocked them out, _Archangel_ went into the waste bin — but not before he deployed his omni-blade and spent several satisfying minutes shredding it into thousands of tiny pieces.


	5. Chapter 5

Much as he didn't want to, eventually Garrus was forced to leave the main battery — he still had some work to do, and his break had gone on long enough. He sighed inwardly as soon as he walked through the door.

Ken Donnelly sat alone, feet up on the table, reading this month's _Archangel_. Garrus decided the universe at large must be conspiring to bring new copies to the ship hourly. Ken held it up in the air when he saw Garrus coming.

"Hey, Garrus, I didn't know you were—"

Garrus cut the taunt short by snatching the comic up and out of Ken's reach as he trudged past, not bothering to slow down or even turn his head. He plodded over to the elevator and took it to the bottom level. A few minutes later, an extravagant amount of fuel was wasted firing up the Kodiak's jets and turning the comic book to a pile of ash.


	6. Chapter 6

The day was so close to being over Garrus could practically taste it. All he had to do was get through dinner, and he'd be safe for another month. Of course, whether he _would_ get through dinner was still up in the air.

Everyone ate together at the evening meal, so there was really no way he was going to avoid taking more crap about _Archangel_. He comforted himself with the fact that Vega had kitchen duty today; at least he'd get to eat a decent meal while he was being hassled. Whenever Shepard cooked, the food was just barely on the right side of edible.

Within minutes, his expectations were not disappointed. " _Dios mío_ , would you look at that!"

Behind the counter, Vega was looking at — of course — _Adventures of Archangel_... but this one was different. He was holding it the wrong way, and a long page had unfolded out of the middle. Garrus looked around and saw that everyone else seemed to understand, Shepard included — but unlike everyone else, Shepard looked peeved.

Joker was on his feet immediately, followed closely by Kaidan. When they reached the counter and took a glimpse, Kaidan's eyebrows shot through the roof. He slid out of the way, chuckling, to let Joker get a better view, and the pilot let out a whistle as soon as he saw... whatever it was.

"Garrus, you've got to see this," Joker declared. "You, Archangel, are a damn lucky man." Garrus chanced another look at Shepard. She didn't look any happier.

"What in Spirits' name is _that_?" Garrus asked warily.

Vega grinned. "You spaced mine, so I went back for another one. Coughed up the extra creds this time and got the collector's edition." Somehow, his already huge grin got even bigger. "Came with some extra special art."

Garrus realized two things at the same time: first, what they were looking at could only be a racy drawing of Dea D'vel, Archangel's asari love interest. Second, the way people were drooling over said drawing bothered Shepard, and enough for her to show it openly. 

Suddenly, for the first time ever — and probably the last — Garrus didn't mind having his alter ego's adventures in print. He decided to get up and see it for himself, and the look that crossed Shepard's face only confirmed his suspicions. 

When he got an eyeful of the poster, he saw that he had guessed right. It featured an exotic-looking and incredibly well-endowed asari with deep indigo skin shading into purple. Garrus had a hunch that Dea was supposed to be wearing a lab coat, but there was so little of it that he couldn't say for sure. She was bent over a worktable, which just made it look like her upper body was being served to him on a platter. Every inch of her looked ready to burst out of the scraps of fabric that were meant to be her clothes.

"Wow," Garrus said, drawing the word out longer just to needle Shepard. "Impressive. Tali sure wasn't kidding about Dea being top heavy. But you know what, guys? ...I'm okay with that." 

"Damn right," Joker chimed in. Shepard folded her arms, unamused, and Garrus held back a laugh.

Vega took one hand off the comic and moved it down through the air in a smooth vertical S-shape. "That perfect blue skin, those curves, the... assets," he mused, "what's not to like? C'mon you guys, come check this out."

They did, leaving Shepard at the table alone, and to Garrus's delight her expression was getting darker by the second. Even Cortez went to take a peek, declaring Dea "not my type, but yeah, I can see it."

Tali looked at the picture only for a moment. "She would _definitely_ tip over," she decided, standing aside. Liara, on the other hand, took her time studying it. As her eyes swept over the drawing, the corner of her mouth quirked up, and she gave Garrus a nod as if to say _well done, sir_. 

"So what do you think, Liara?"

Liara chanced a sideways glance at Shepard, and her faint smile got a touch stronger. "Oh, I'd take her. Very much so. I'm jealous, Garrus." Shepard rolled her eyes and crossed her arms tighter. 

"You know, I'm starting to think you're all on to something," Garrus said. He took the comic from Vega for a closer look and tilted it back and forth as if a new angle might allow him to see even more than what was drawn. "Seems like being Archangel comes with some benefits. So tell me, Vega, is she—"

The loud metallic scrape of a chair being pushed back from the table drowned out the last of his question. Shepard marched over to the counter.

"All right," she griped, plucking the comic book — and its extra special art — out of Garrus's hands. "I'm pulling rank. No more _Archangel_." Vega opened his mouth to object and Shepard held up a hand. "I'll pay you back double. But this?" she waved the comic at him, "is going to be bedding for my space hamster."

Everyone laughed, and for the first time today, Garrus joined in. Shepard huffed out a breath, exasperated, as Vega started ferrying plates to the table and the rest of the crew followed.

Still chuckling, Garrus went to Shepard and put his arms around her. "Serves you right."

She made a face. "Yeah, well. We've had enough of that. You're off the hook."

"Off the hook for good, right?" He narrowed his eyes and studied her face carefully. "A month from now, we won't be in port, and you won't be sticking me with a day of scut work in the common spaces?" She hesitated.

" _Right_ , Shepard?"

Shepard put one hand to her chest, and a strange look came over her face. 

"Who, me?" she asked. "I would never."


End file.
